Nothing to say, don't even try -- Fall 2011

I was having issues with everything that has happened in the past three years or so.  I constantly felt like I was forgotten about.  It was fine because Stan needed more help than me, but I felt more at home with Uncle Will and Aunt Emelyn than I did at my own house.  I always tried to stay away from home.  I seemed to notice changes in the family dynamics before anyone else.  I was in the backyard sitting on the swing, just gently going back and forth.  Whenever I tried to be home, I got so frustrated.  I ddid end up at the Lupins or at Nana and Gramps' house.  I heard the bac door open and saw Mum come out.  She looked really tired.  Slowly, ever so slowly, I could see things falling apart.  I knew that I acted older than nine... but it was because Stan came to me more than anyone else for help.  I forced a smile at Mum when she started to approach me.

I saw my youngest out on the swingset.  He looked like he was brooding... so much like his father.  I smiled and walked towards him after hanging a rug on the railing of the back deck to air it out.  I wondered if he was missing Sedona -- she had been at Hogwarts for her firt year for nearly a month now.  I walked up to Ryan.  "Hey bud... why so glum looking?  Missing dona?" I asked him, sitting in the second swing.

Of course Mum would think that I was missing her favorite child.  I rolled my eyes.  "Mum, I really don't miss Sedona," I told her, trying not to sound mean or anything.  I just was thinking of everything.  I missed when things had been normal.  "It's nothing," I added, knowing she would continue to pry.  It was a mother thing to do I suppose.

I sighed, knowing that response.  As much as Ryan hated to admit it, he was so much like his father.  I guess we needed a child as difficult as Dean was for Ember and sirius.  "Honey, waht's wrong?  You know you can always talk to me, Ryan," I told him, looking over at hi.  Why was he so reluctant to open up to me?

I traced shapes in the dirt below my feet.  I knew I had to give her some sort of answer.  "I've just been thinking is all," I said with a shrug.  It was no big deal.  How could I tell her that I noticed that everythingw as changing?  And sadly, I really felt like Mum was starting it all.  From what I knew, she caused Dad a lot of pain.  But he was stupid and got into drugs, too.  I did not know... neither one seemed happy anymore from what I remembered and seen in pictures.

I hated how secretive my son was.  He always wanted to be there for Stan.  And he was... but it was not his job.  He needed to act like a kid... Dean and I were there for Constantine.  There was no way it was up to Ryan to help Stan as much as he seemed to think.  "Ryan... what's going on?" I asked, getting more serious now.

Blimey, she never gave up, did she?  "No one is happy here.  Is that what you want to hear?" I countered, my voice rising.  I did not want to get into it, but she apparently did.  "I can see how much you and Dad have changed.  You're happier apart than together!  And I don't remembermuch!  Stan is getting darker and darker... and it doesn't seem like anyone notices!" I stood up and got off of the swing.  "If you two aren't happy, don't stay together just for us."  I was fuming now.

I was shocked by what Ryan was saying.  The only one who I knew that was unhappy was my youngest.  Were Dean and I what we used to be?  Not entirely, but I would not say I was unhappy.  Things just get stressful.  This year was tough because Dona started her first year at Hogwarts.  "Ryan, calm down.  Your dad and I are happy.  Why on earth do you think otherwise?" I questioned.  I was curious as to what he was seeing between hsi father and I.

I scoffed.  "Yeah, right.  And I'm the jolly green giant," I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes. "The two of you hardly hold hands or show affection in front of us.  Yeah, the two of you smile and laugh... but only with us kids.  Dad has still tried... really, I don' thtink he's given up -- but what do I know?  I only know what I ssee.  And I heard things.  I'm just sick of the way all of this just seems like a show."  I was tired of all of this.  I could not believe that no one noticed any of this.  How was it that I was the only one?

I really had no idea where this was coming from.  I mean, I have talked to the girls about some difficulties, but it was nothing too major.  "Ryan, what is going on with Stan?" I asked.  I had no idea what to address first.

I rolled my eyes.  "Go talk to him yourself," I spat.  "I'm not your agent to tattle on everyone.  You hate talking to any of us.  I'm done.  I'm going to the Lupins or something," I said with a sigh.  I headed up to the house, slamming the screen door.  I heard my mum saying something, but I ignored her.  I had no idea what my plans were goign to be.  I went to the living room and saw Dad.  He had a knowing look on his face.  "What?" I asked, sounding more upset than what I was at my dad.

I heard his dulcit tones and knew my mini-me was on another rampage.  When I heard the screen door slam and I knew he would probably end up wanting to go to Will and emelyn's place.  "Heading to the Lupins?" I asked.  Since he was so much like me, I knew better than to stop him.  I had always gotten more angry when Mum or Lenni tried to stop me before Dad got back from Azkaban.

It did seem to calm my temper a little bit but his understanding made me frustrated at the same time.  I sighed and shrugged.  "I don't know," I snapped.  "Is Stan in here somewhere?" Maybe I would stay home and hang with my slightly older brother.

I had no idea where his anger was coming from.  Ryan may not even know entirely himself.  I knew when I was young, a lot of my anger was from a source that was unknown most of the time.  "He's back in the bedroom," I told Ryan.  I knew not to press the issue.  I started to wheel towards the kitchen to make some lunch.  "Just let me know if you could.  I am making our favorite sandwich... if you want one, let me know," I said casually.  I moved past him and into the kitchen.

My dad was bribing me, I was sure of it.  I sighed heavily.  "Okay... go ahead and make me one please," I said.  I hated how easy it was to win me over with food.  I followed Dad to the kitchen and helped gather the ingredients.  Dad and I were the only one swho liked this odd concoction.  It was a grilled cheese with cheddar and Monterrey jack cheeses, fried pickles within the melted cheese, then we added some tomatoes and mayo.  It was odd, but delicious.  I handed things to Dad and he started to make our sandwiches.  "Sorry for being snippy," I said quietly as I lathered mayo onto the bread.