Evil Isn't Born, It's Made - Part 3 (Language) -- 31 October 1982

My relationship with James had not gotten any better.  He was still reluctant to speak to me without arguing, he was hardly eating, he ignored me the best he could... it was getting ridiculous.  I thought a gesture of kindness would be a good thing to do.  I thought a picture or something would be a nice thing.  I brought some things for him to spruce up his little holding cell.  I unlocked the door and walked in with some food and the box of small gifts.  I saw that James was laying on the cot with his back towards the door.  Normally he was either sitting facing me so I could see his glare or he was standing or something.  I locked the door behind me and set the things down on the table.  "Prongs?  I have a gift for you," I said, rather pleased wiht myself.  I waited for a reaction.  When I did not receive one, I got concerned.  I walked over to him and he looked to be barely breathing.  I rolled him onto his back so I could examine him more clearly.  "James!  James, wake up!" I shouted, shaking him, trying to get him to wake up.  Thhis had to be due to the lack of eating!  It was ridiculous.  I finally saw some movement from him and relief flooded me.

I opened my eyes and let them adjust to the light.  I saw Peter staring at me looking extremely concerned.  I shoved him away from me.  "Bugger off," I said, sitting up and rubbing my face.  I felt like shit.  I wished that Peter had never told me the date at one of his previous visits... I knew what day it was.  I had been trapped for a year.  Another year gone and I was still alive in a hole.  Wasting away... giving up.  I was completely alone.  No one knew if I was alive or not... hell, I did not even know if my wife and son were still alive.  If they were, then another year passed and they were alone without me.  I was tearing myself up with the idea that if Lily was out there thinking I were dead... she would eventually move on.  I hated that idea.  I was glaring at Peter.  I never felt such loathing in my life towards someone -- and that included Snivellus.

I had to dig down deep for patience. I knew that this was extremely difficult for him. I just wish taht he would realize that things could be good if it were just him and me. I wanted my friend... and I always wanted just James. I hated the fact that I was pushed to the side line when it was him and Sirius. Remus was always pushed to the side, too. Which was why I never begrudged Remus a thing. "James, I have a few things here for you. I thought you'd appreciate some pictures and stuff," I told him, walking back over to where I set the box down at. I had a nice one of him and Lily. I did not want him to be thinking of any of them... but then again, it may help with his depression. I brought one that I took recently of Ember with her kids. That might help him, too, to know that his sister was happy. That she was doing alright despite everything that was happening to the ungrateful prick named Sirius. She deserved someone so much better than Black.

I just stared at Peter. "Just... just leave me alone, Peter," I said, shaking my head before putting it into my hands. I did not want to see him or deal with him today. I was so tired of all of this. What was the point in keeping me alive? There was none was what I decided. It was just torture living with this pain for an entire year. How long was he going to keep me here? I was not sure if i was even going to fight to stay alive if I did not know if Lily or Harry were alive. And if Peter did not leave me alone, I was going to flip out on him. I just wanted to be by myself in my misery. Just for today.

I sighed. I stayed and pulled out the pictures and set them on the table. "I'll leave these here... if you want to destroy them, then that's your perogative," I said with a shrug. "And you need to eat. You're weak," I added, looking at the man I barely recognized as James Potter. It made me question if we were ever going to be able to be where I wanted us to be.

I looked at Peter with tears in my eyes and then at the box that he had brought.  "Pettigrew... just let me die.  I don't have any reason to live.  Just, please, let me go," I said, my eyes leveling with his.  I did not want to beg to die, but I was losing my resolve.  I could not do this any more.  What was wrong with the person I once called a friend?  I recognized nothing in the man standing before me.  I could not help but wonder how long this was going on for... before all of this went down.

I sighed and looked at James.  "Prongs, I just want us to be mates," I said to him.  "I can't let you die without at least trying to get something right..." He had to realize what I was doing.  "I brought you this stuff just to try to make today better... I know it's hard to do, though"

I ended up looking at Peter.  "We were mates, you prat," I said to him angrily, though the complete snarkiness was gone from my voice right now.  I looked down at the pictures and then at Pettigrew again.  "You think seeing my sister and kids make me happy?  Make this day any easier?  I just am remembered that she is struggling to raise two kids on her own while Sirius rots in Azkaban!  And that I lost my son and wife today!  All because you betrayed us!"

"He offered me protection!  And power!  More than any of you lot ever gave to me... I was one of them," I said.  "No one teased me... no one looked down on me.  I was finally equal."  I wanted James to finally understand that I was never equal ot him or Sirius... which was why I wanted to tear their lives apart.

I stared at Pettigrew.  "Pete... we were equals," I said to him, my voice softening.  "We all brought something different to the table... that's what made our friendship work.  You could have had protection with us -- if you would've lived up to the bravery of your own House!"  My voice was steadily rising again. " But instead you go and you get me and Lily blown up!  My son...!  You betrayed us, Peter.  And I can never forgive you for that."

I hated hearing James speak like that.  "Please... don't say that," I said to my best mate.  "You know that I was never equal to any of you lot.  Yea, we might have all brought something different.  But I always felt left out!  You lot always went off and I just felt like a stranger half hte time.  And then i got to the point where I got accepted by someone else!  As an equal...!"  I just wanted him to understand where I was coming from.

He had a pointed about me and Sirius.  But not Remus.  I stared at him.  "Remus always treated you like anybody else," I said quietly.  "And yet you took away everyone from him... we were all his mates, Peter.  and we all left him... because of you.  Yeah, he has Chloe and his kids... and Ems.  But that's not the same as his first mates.  You hurt remus just as much as you hurt me or sirius and you're blind to that fact!"

I knew James was right, but I was never goign to agree with him on that fact.  "Remus is fine," I said to him.  "he's happy.  I check on him just as much as I check on everyone else."  I glared at James.  "I was hoping to be able to help you... but it appears as though I cannot."

I glared at Pettigrew.  "You wouldn't have to check in on him or help me deal with the loss of my family if you never betrayed us in the fisrt place, Peter," I spat at him.  "You're fucking pathetic.  A fucking coward.  I have no bloody idea why we ever tried to protect you or counted on you for all those years."  I shook my head and turned away from the man who was once one of my best mates.

Oh how I loathed being called a coward.  "You never had to protect me, Potter," I snapped.  "That's why I ended up hating you and Black -- you always thought I was lower than you and that I needed your protection.  I needed -- I wanted -- your friendship.  Only Remus was a true mate... and then there was you and Black.  Pompous assholes who thought that if they kept an 'underdog' by their side maybe, just maybe, the girls would think them sensitive and they could get lucky once in awhile using me as the fucking reason."