Watching dreams disappear -- January 2017

I had been in the hospital for a couple of weeks now.  I had a major head injury, a broken leg, and I lost a few fingers on my wand hand.  My leg was easily repaired, but they were not entirely sure about my head and I was having difficulties with not having my fingers.  I had made it onto my dad's old quidditch team... and I was on the front lines.  I was the best Chaser they had in awhile, or so they told me.  But now... well, my Quidditch days were over.  They only knew I had been injured.  I was not sure if I had the heart to tell them I could never return.  I felt like I lost more than just my few fingers, though.  I was following in my dad's footsteps.  I loved that.  I knew that he would have been so proud of me... Mum, too, because I was a Chaser.  And now that was all gone.

I knew they would be proud of more than just Quidditch, but I always felt closest to them when I was flying and laying on the field.  And how was I going to explain that to anyone?  That was when the door to my room opened up and I looked towards it to see Uncle Percy walking in.  He almost looked a little timid -- I had been snapping at everyone who visited, so I did not blame him. 

"Hullo," I said to him sullenly.

Okay, so today Ben was saddened and depressed.  I was not sure if I liked that better than when he was angry, but at least he was more approachable this way.  I was surprised that Tori was not there; even though she was healing herself from what had happened, she tried to stay with Ben as much as she could.  

I walked into the room and sat down next to Ben's bed.  "Hey, kiddo," I said to him, folding my hands in my lap as I leaned forward with my elbows on my knees.  "Puddlemere United owled again... here you go."  I handed him the unopened letter.  i was sure that it was just a get well card or something... but I was afraid that it might be something more than that this time.

I looked over at Uncle Percy and sighed.  "I can't deal with them right now," I said to him quietly.  "I don't think I can handle it if it's..." I trailed off.  I did not want to think about if they were removing me from the team.  I would nto blame them; I had not been there for them for a little while.  It would save me from having to tell them I could not play anymore... but to have them crush my dream instead of me backing away from it?  I was not sure if I could handle that.

Benjamin did not need to finish his thought for me to know what he meant.  I just placed the envelope on the table with his other get well cards.  "We do need to talk, Ben," I said to him gently.  "You can't keep everything bottled up."

I glanced over at Uncle Percy and shrugged.  "I don't want to talk about anything," I said to him, my voice sounding hollow even to myself.  I did not want to look at my father figure.  I did not want to see his disappointment or, worse, pity in his eyes.

I put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it gently.  "I know it's tough to think about," I assured Ben.  "But the longer you put off talking about it the worse it'll be when you finally do."

I forced myself to actually look at him.  He did not have pity or disappointment in his eyes -- merely a look of understanding.  "I... My dream is over," I said to my dad quietly.  "Don't get me wrong... I'm so happy I went and saved Tori and Ren.  But my life... everything that I've worked so hard for... it's gone."  I had tears in my eyes and I fell back into the pillow and looked away from him again.  "I just wanted them to be proud of what I've accomplished."  That last part was barely audible and a tear escaped and fell down my cheek.

My heart broke when Benjamin spoke and explained everything to me.  I was glad that he looked away because I was able to wipe away a tear from my eye.  "Ben," I said gently, "your parents would be more proud of the fact that you risked everything to save the person you love rather than being a famous Quidditch player.  Don't get me wrong, they would have loved to see that... especially since it is your dream.  But they would never think less of you for being as brave and strong as they were."

I looked back over at my dad and saw the tears in his eyes; I did not feel as foolish for the sadness that I was feeling about the entire thing. I attempted a small smile because he was trying so hard to make me feel less of a failure.  "I don't knwo what to do or what to think," I admitted quietly.  "I know you're probably right... but... I can't help but think you're wrong at the same time.  I have never wanted to be able to talk to them  more than I do now.  I know that I can't and it kills me.  I just wish..." I trailed off, wiping the wetness off of my cheeks.

I put a hand on Ben's arm and squeezed it slightly.  "We all wish," I said, knowing how he was going to finish that statement.  Penelope and I wished that quite a lot... We wished that Oliver and Katie could see their son grow up into the wonderful person he was.  I wished that a lot.  And now I wished that I could help Benjamin with the way he was feeling.