We're just trying to find some color in this black and white world -- Spring 1980

Despite everything going on around us -- or perhaps that was why i wanted to do it -- I thought it wonderful to try to add some happiness to the world.  I was going to ask Cathie to marry me.  But first, I wanted to speak to Remus about it.  He knew how happy I was, but I wanted to make sure that he was okay with me getting remarried.  I was making some tea, waiting for him to come over.

When my dad said he needed to talk to me, I never hesitate.  I went right over to the cottage down the lane and knocked.  It seemed odd to do so, but with the way things were... certain precautions were necessary.  "Dad?  It's just me," I said to him, giving him time to lift certain enchantments to let me in.  No, it might not keep out You-Know-Who, but it would help keep out other unwanted guests.

I heard Remus's voice, and despite me knowing it was him, I knew that I had to lift enchantments only after I asked my son the question that would prove that it was him.  Once I got my answer, I waved my wand and lifted the protection spells.  Once my son was inside the foyer, I embraced him.  He made sure that the spells were put back in place and I motioned for him to follow me.  I handed him a cup of tea.  "how are things with Chloe and Will doing?" I asked Remus.  I loved hearing the stories of my little grandson and daughter-in-law.  I also knew that having a family almost seemed difficult for Remus because of his affliction -- even though he was told numerous times in numerous ways that being a werewolf did not change who the person was inside.

I thanked my dad for the tea and sat down with him at the table.  I smiled at him.  "Things are doing well," I said to him.  "Surprisingly with everything that I have to do for hte Order..." I shuddered at that thought.  Will was just a newborn and I felt horrible for Chloe.  I mean... she was basically raising him on her own right now.  I tried to get home as much as possible... but I could not leave my pack -- ugh, I was using their terms regularly -- constantly to be home with her or our son.  "It's just hard, though.  She understands... but still."

I nodded at my son, understanding.  Dumbledore had his mission rather secretive despite me being Remus's father.  "I know, Remus," I said to him, putting a hand on his arm. "It's always been hard on you, son... but you always manage to make it through."  And, because of that fact, I was so very proud of my son.

I smiled at my dad, always trying to be strong for him.  To not let him see how this curse was such a burden and how much it weighed me down -- especially since he blamed himself for Greyback targeting me.  I looked at my mug of tea and took a sip before saying anything to him.  "I'm missing everything with Will," I said quietly, not looking at my father.  This was me admitting that I could not handle the task that Dumbledore wanted me to do for the Order.

I reached out and put a hand upon Remus's.  I felt horribly for him.  If I had not fallen to the prejudice against werewolves back in the day, Remus would be able to see Will growing up through the first year -- maybe even years, though hopefully not -- of his life.  I squeezed it comfortingly before I found any words to say to him.  There really was nothing.  "Why don't you go home, then, son?  Don't waste precious time away from that hell-hole to visit your old man," I said to him. 

But I could tell that he was almost afraid to go there, too.  His face was thinner and he was looking kind of worn and tired.  I could see the pain in his eyes and the darkness that he was fighting.  If I saw it, then I knew Chloe would see it even faster.  And that was why he was here instead of home.  He did not want to face his wife and answer any questions.

I chuckled weakly at my father.  "Dad, I'll go home," I assured him.  "I just needed to see you before going home.  You know you're the anchor that has always kept me where I needed to be.  Chloe may be the light that beckons me towards the shores of home, but you're the one who has always kept me steadfast throughout the years.  I need that now."  I sighed and looked at him.  "I'm sorry to burden you with this... you shouldn't have to deal with any of this now that I'm grown."

I smiled at him with as much reassurance as possible.  "I don't care how old you may be, Remus, you will always be my son," I said softly.  "I want to help you with anything I can.  Tell me what you are able to.  You know I will be the ear you need before going home and trying to adjust for the short time you're there."  I knew that was what my son needed of me.

I looked into Dad's dark eyes and found all the reassurance I needed.  "I see all those young kids... they are so burdened by lycanthropy and so full of hate.  Yet... there are some that can still be filled with wonder," I said to him slowly.  "I just... I'm worried if Will would turn into the hardened version of what we are.  Or if..." I trailed off, not entirely sure if I could say what I wanted to say.  I had to; this was dad, he would not judge my thoughts.  "...if he and Chloe would be better off without me even coming home.  I'm so different right now than before..."

I reached out to my son and put my hand on his arm.  "Though you may be different, so are they; no one stays the same during times like these," I gently reminded Remus.  "Chloe has had to get stronger with you off doing things for the Order that you're not supposed to be speaking about."  I gave him a bit of a smile at that because Remus could never keep secrets from me.  

I sighed, then continued with what I was saying.  "Remus, your son will never turn into the worst version of what you both are -- and neither will you.  Because you have hope and love in your lives unlike the pack you are with.  If you can still fill some of the younger ones wiht wonder, there is hope for them as well.  You know you cannot save everyone, but you have a job to do.  You must do it or you won't be there to see your son grow up."  I hated telling him not to really help the younger werewolves, but he had to think of himself and his family before those kids.  Which was really heartbreaking.

I took a deep breath and nodded.  "I know, Dad," I said to him quietly.  "How are you lot doing here?  I feel like I've been rambling about my own problems..."  I always had an open relationship with my dad and I let him talk to me about certain things just like he allowed me to speak with him.

I chuckled at my son.  "You are more than welcome to talk about your troubles," I assured Remus.  "You are not rambling by any means."  I stood up and refilled our mugs, tapping them to help warm the water back up before adding some more tea leaves to each of our desired liking.  I sat back down, stirring in some sugar.  "I have been thinking, as of late, of doing more with Cathie," I added.

I nearly choked on my tea.  "Please tell me it isn't as wrong as what I just thought you meant," I said, smirking at my dad.  "I swear, I've been mates with James and Sirius for far too long."

I chuckled at Remus and filled our mugs with more water for our tea.  "It isn't anything quite like that," I assured my son as I knew he wanted absolutely no details of what went on between me and Cathie besides the mundane -- which truthfully are not that mundane as what one might think.  "I was thinking of moving forward with our lives a bit... I know the timing isn't ideal, but if we waited until it was, it might never happen."