Stay right between the lines of fear and blame -- December 1996

This was the first day of actual holiday break.  Elena would be coming home today and I knew that this was not going to be fun at all.  She was furious... Mum and I were a little better... Dad and I... surprisingly Dad was the only one that I would open up to but was afraid to.  I tended to stay up in my room because I could not stand the looks Mum gave me constantly... even after I tried to explain to her what had been going through my head.  I had not purposely tried to kill myself.  I just did what I had been doing... and I guess I overdid it.  Why was I doing all of that?  I never had a chance to mourn the loss of my son.  I had to find out that it had been a boy through the grapevine... not even from Addison.  She shut down when she lost Cyrus.  I tried so hard to help her that I ignored myself.  And when she decided to end it, it pushed me over the edge.  I figured I could live without her... it would be difficult, but it could happen.  But she had been the only thing keeping me sane from losing the baby.  To lose that one thread of focus and happiness... I was lost.  Morgan had been there with something to help and it just had a snowball effect and it just got worse and worse.  I just wished that people would listen to me.  For some reason, I really wanted Dad to understand what had happened.  I heard my sister's lovely tones and I groaned.  I was hoping to be in my bedroom not the study when she got home.  I was definitely going to sneak into my room before she saw me... I really did not want to deal with her nor did I feel like I needed to explain myself to her.  When she goes through a loss like mine, then we can talk.

I had gotten home for the holiday break and I was not happy about seeing my brother at all. Melodramatic, I was going to milk it then. It was my fault that he did this to himself, it was my fault that I found him before he killed himself. I put my stuff up in my room, and went into see my mother. I wasn't going to start a fight with him.

I thought I heard Elena make it into her bedroom and so I left the bathroom.  To be honest, she could run into me and I would just ignore her.  That was probably what she would do to me anyways.  Which was fine.  I did not feel liek talking to her at all.  I did not want to deal with her.  I walked into the hallway and bit my tongue as I walked past Elena.

I was in the study, then tension in the house was way to the point of ridiculous. Every time one would see the other immense hurt in the eyes. Ember just seemed broken all she wanted to do was scream at the top of her lungs. Our kids didn't really see how much their mother really cared. She tried to make it seem like she was less of a worrier. It didn't work with Em at all. I knew who she is and she wasn't really pretending anything. Did I know why Dean did this to himself. He went about grief the complete wrong way. Did I support him taking to the drugs as an outlet of course not. I grabbed a book and went to my desk and sat down behind it. Waiting for someone to show up. I knew everyone in my house. Someone would come to talk to with me.

Instead of dealing with everyone here, perhaps I would go take a walk or something.  I have not talked to Uncle Remus since everything either.  I was feeling very alone... which was killing me.  It was taking all my self control not to go running towards what made me feel better.  I needed to not do that.  I obviously knew it was a problem before... I was not stupid.  But no one understood what was going through my head.  I was not that great at talking to people about a lot of things that hurt me.  I could talk to Uncle Remus, but even he did not fully understand.  None of them lost a kid.  They were all great at protecting their kids... and what did I do?  Nothing.  I was no teven there when it happened.  I could not even be there for Addison until afterwards.  That made me feel worse than how I felt right now with pretty much everyone hating me.  I sighed and found Dad in the study.  "I'm going for a walk.  I can't stay here.  I'll behave but I don't know where I'll end up," I said honestly to him.  I figured I should at least attempt to be a good child rather than just going off and disappearing which I knew would make them think that I was off doing drugs again or something.

I smiled to my son, " You want to go for a ride?" I asked him. I needed to get out of the house myself. Might as well have some father son time I suppose. I knew it was eating him alive that he saw the look in his sister's and mother's eyes. I could hope to be some refuge for Dean. " Then we'll walk?" I asked. It had been a while since I got the bikes out. I had got one for my son a while back. It's about time I seen him use it. " I'll grab my cloak."

I was slightly surprised that Dad wanted to go with me.  I smiled at him -- probably one of the first smiles since everything happened.  "That sounds good," I said, fastening my cloak since it was just hanging over my arm.  It would be chilly, but worth it.  I probably have not used that bike as much as I should since Dad got it for me.  But I did love that thing... Mum said I loved it as much as Dad loved his.  I just wish that I could talk to her now... but that was out of the question.

I nodded as I clapped my hand on his back as I left to grab my cloak. I let Ember know briefly that we were leavign and she nodded as I gave her a quick peck. I know Dean feels horrible, it's normal, everyting just came up fast and bit him in the ass.Walking back to him, " Let's go." I said opening the door to reveal the bikes. I grinned as it was forever since I have gone for a ride. I got on and started her up. " Love startin' her up." I said as I felt like a kid again.

I sat down and loved starting the bikes up.  I smiled at my Dad and was glad that it was not just me who was making an effort with Dad... but he was trying with me, too.  Of course with Lenni I was just finished.  I was not going to talk to her until I know she would listen.  Which I was pretty sure she would not.  And then there was Mum... I have never seen that look in her eyes before -- even when I was being such a jerk when I was little.  "Let's see what these babies are still capable of," I said, unable to stop grinning.  It really had been such a long time it seemed since I've ridden her.