Time Changes Everything, life Must Go On -- October 1999

I wanted to check on Ember.  I knew she has been up and down for the past few months.  I felt really bad for keeping the secret from her and I felt like I should probably tell her my reasonings behind why I did so.  I had really just been listening to Dean and Padfoot.  I wanted to tell my baby sister that her soulmate was awake and getting better.  I had already gone by Grimmauld Place and she was not there.  So where was it that we always went to clear our head?  I figured that she would not be at the Lupin lake.  But I did not think that our place was still standing... someone had to have taken it down by now.  I went back towards our parents' old place and traveled far into the woods behind the house -- which had new occupants in it, of course.  And then I saw it.  She had to be there.  I climbed up the ladder and I saw her staring out the opposite window towards the woods.  I walked over and sat down next to her.  "I thought this old thing would be torn down by now," I said, not meaning to startle her but doing just that.

I jumped slightly and turned to smile at my brother. "To the untrained eye it's not here," I told my brother with another little grin. I had put a charm on the old tree house years ago... it's just that everyone thought it was destroyed and I didn't give them any reason to think it was still here. It was my own little sanctuary. My own little place to get away to so I could think and be able to be by myself. "I don't even know if any of the others know it's still here to be honest," I said to James.

I grinned at my younger sister.  "So I did end up teaching you something, after all," I teased, bumping her shoulder with my own as we sat there.  Being in silence for a little while was nice... but not the reason why i was here.  "Ems, I wanted to talk to you," I said quietly.  I really thought that I owed my sister an explanation.

I looked over at him and noticed that he looked troubled. I put a hand on his and said, "James, you know you can always talk to me about anything. I'm your sister, after all. I've been strong for everyone else, I think I can be strong for you, too." I squeezed his hand and smiled at him. I was so used to being strong for everyone... I felt bad because Dean had to be strong for me for a little while. That should never be a son's place. It should be my place.

I put my arm around my sister and pulled her towards me.  I kissed the top of her head and rubbed her shoulder.  "You don't always need to be strong, Ems," I told her.  "I just wanted to say that I am so sorry... I didn't necessarily want to lie to you.  I didn't mean to hurt you.  Ems... I thought it would be an excellent surprise.  I guess I didn't realize how much pain you were really in.  And that just seems odd that I didn't realize that.  And I just wanted to apologize for my ignorance.  I can't say that my last bout of ignorance ended any better, either."  I was surprised that I had some tears in my voice and eyes.  I couldn't believe that I was so blind to the pain that my sister had been going through.  And I just added to it... I wish that I wasn't so ignorant to all of this.

I turned to look at my brother and squeezed his hand.  "James...It's nothing for you to apologize for," I assured my brother.  "It was an excellent surprise."  I smiled at James and really did try to make it convincing.  It was a great surprise.  But with everything that I had gone through, I wanted to know what the guys were thinking when they did that.  I kept remembering all those days and nights since Sirius had been awake and I poured my heart out to him.  All those nights that he could have dried my tears and he didn't.  I was sure that it pained Sirius as much as it pained me.  I was scared to ask him a question about it.  I couldn't help but wonder if something had changed... how he was able to do that.  I told myself it must not have been easy for him... but I was too afraid to ask him about it.  What if my fears were correct?  "There is nothing for you to worry about, James.  It was amazing to see him there for Lenni.  And really, the kids come first anymore."

I was not quite sure if I believed her.  Maybe I'll leave her and go find Sirius.  I wondered if they had really had time for themselves or anything.  I held Ember's hand and smiled at her.  "Em, what's wrong?  I see it in your eyes," I told her.  She could not hide it from me.  I was her brother and even if years kept us from seeing each other... from talking with each other, I could still read her easily and I was sure she could read me.  I just wish that I could turn back time to be able to grow older with my entire family.  To be there for everyone.

I couldn't believe that James could still see right through me.  I couldn't help but chuckle a little bit.  "James... I don't even want to  say out loud what I am thinking," I said, resting  my head against my brother's shoulder.

"Ember... you can trust me," I said, looking at her.  I was not sure if she would open up to me.  But the fact that she did not want to speak it out loud, told me all I needed to know, too.  "Ems... you know he didn't want to hurt you, either.  I have no idea how he didn't blow it... he loves you so much.  I figured he'd be the one to spill the beans," I assured her.  I wrapped both of my arms around her and held her tight.  I was sure that was exactly what she was thinking.  How long had she been thinking like this?  Since the wedding?  I was sure I knew what she was going through.  I mean... what all had I been thinking in my sixteen years of hell with Peter?  I understood.

I leaned into James and just let my brother hold me.  This is what I missed most when he was gone.  Just our lovely sibling moments that weren't ruined by anything else.  "James, I know... I'm just... I don't know.  It just hurts to think that the entire couple of months I was still going there and thinking that he was still lost to me and pouring my heart out to him... I have no idea how he could have not said something to me unless..." I sighed and shook my head.  I was not going to say anything out loud.  There was no point.  It was just stupid doubt that was filling my head.  I pulled back and smiled at James through the few tears in my eyes.  "You don't need to worry about me," I assured my brother.

I nudged Ember a little bit.  "I always worry about you, Ems, you're my sister.  I want to see that devilish grin that you get when you're up to something... I miss that," I told her with a grin of my own.  I knew that we were older...but that didnt' mean that we had to act that way all the time.  We weren't that old yet.

I laughed and stood up and stretched slightly.  "Oh James... I don't think I've had that grin in quite some time... I've had to be responsible, not mischievous.  There's a big difference.  Especially when your kids constantly have you making sure they're not fighting, getting into other sorts of trouble, fooling around with the whole school, and so on."  My kids definitely took after their dad whether any of them wanted to admit it or not.  I don't recall getting into this much trouble when I was their age.

I sighed and stood up with her.  I did not like that answer of hers.  Just because we were parents did not mean we had to lose all of our fun.  I was sure that there was no reason not to enjoy ourselves.  I crossed my arms and looked at her.  "Well, I disagree with you.  But that can be pushed to the back burner right now... so long as you're handling everything alright."  There was that look in her eyes that told me that her mind was running a little too much about everything else that was bothering her.  But I figured that I should not pry; she would tell me if she wanted to.  I gave her a hug.  "Are you going to stay up here then or are you coming down to the living?" I teased.

I shrugged.  "I might stay up here a little while longer... it was peaceful and quiet until you showed up," I teased, smiling at my brother.  It was just so nice to have him back... I could not believe it even though a year had passed since he came back t ous.

I rolled my eyes and pushed her shoulder before I managed to climb down the ladder of the tree house.  I had no idea if I was going to tell Sirius his wife was having issues... it really was not any of my business what she decided tohandle on her own or with Sirius.  But I was her brother... and he was my best mate... and she was my sister... did that justify it?  I wasn't sure.