Everything that you thought I would be is falling apart right in front of you - Winter 1996

I did not want to point out that she was proving that she did care about him because I knew she was angry.  Hell, I was angry.  "Honey... let me let you in on a little secret... I came to find you because I couldn't look at Dean, either," I said, smiling a little at how similar my daughter was to me.  It was kind of scary.  I crossed my arms as my daughter paced, but I was not angry at her.  I was livid at my son for doing this to all of us.  "I'm sorry I wont' be much of a help right now liek I normally am, Lenni.  All I will do is feed your anger... which is not good, either.  No one expects you to do any more for him than what you already have.  Some people might not have even gotten help for him after the way he treated you."

I took a deep breath, trying to get my shaking under control to no avail.  "Dad.... I'm sorry," I said in a barely audible voice.  I kept my eyes closed because I still did not want to see the look on his face and I was trying to fight back the tears that were building in my eyes.  "It wasn't... on... purpose."  I, of course, was talking about overdosing.  I wanted to explain everything to him, but it was hard for me to even talk right now.

I nodded to her as she explained. I looked her right in the eyes. " Mum after I found out he was with Winters I nearly killed them both. I got so angry.....trying to help and she was saying how I wasn't a saint. I wanted to make sure she knew that she was hurting him. " I said darkly. " When I found him the first time. I felt betrayed or something. Normally we can talk about stuff....he is saying that he didn't get to grieve....but what about what he is doing to everyone right now?!" I said I knew I was sounding selfish. I didn't really care though. " I can't find him again....I can't...." I said crying as I continued to pace. I gave a short laugh. " I know mum, you don't need to apologize.....I do...I'm sorry.....sorry for being a bratty kid.." I told her. I knew I wasn't an easy child to live with.

After dad was found innocent it was still hell. The loss that Dean was going through Addison and there son. There was many different ways he can go through grief and yet he chose the worst possible one. I couldn't look at him. " I'm hurt mum....he's my big brother....and yet I had to be the big sister and help him. I'm just confused. Dean is my protector and the time that he needs me to step up I can't because I don't want to see him in this much pain he caused to himself. " I said to her as I stopped pacing just to look at her. Try to read how she would answer.

I finished talking with Pomfrey and it was time to get dean to St. Mungo's.  I ran my hand through my hair and walked over to Sirius.  I put a hand on his shoulder and said to him quietly, "She thinks he's ready to move to St. Mungos."

I jumped slightly, " Okay..." I said quietly. " Em is going to meet us there...she's just talking to Lenni.." I told him. I knew he would come with them most likely after he got cleared to make sure he could. Walking over to my son, " This is going to suck..." I told him as I whipped my wand out and apparated us to St. Mungo's as I scooped my son up. Knowing he would either get sick or something I prepared for it all. Bucket on one side. I walked briskly up to the counter. " Dean Black. " I said gesturing down to my son. She nodded and two healers came around the desk and took my son onto a stretcher as I let the nurse know more would follow us.

I shook my head and put my arms around my daughter.  "The only one who should be apologizing about anything is your brother," I assured her.  I gave her a kiss and pulled away.  I wondered if we all put too much on Dean, expecting him to be strong, to be a protector... but that still gave him no excuse to be like this.  "And if there's anything we do about it, we wont' ahve to ever see Dean like this again.  We will definitely make sure none of this happens again."

I nodded, " Agreed. I don't like getting yelled at for giving a crap." I said bitterly. Folding my arms, I sighed, " I suppose I should be there....he would be for me." I was tired of my brother thinking he had to handle everyone's problems. It made me feel so mad that he seemed to just shut down when he had a problem.

I kept my eyes closed unless instructed otherwise while they went about getting things hooked up and taken care of.  When things seemed to quiet down a little bit, I figured I would have to face the storm at one point or another.  i opened my eyes and tried to prop myself up a tad to make it easier to see everyone.  Of course, the ony person there was Dad.  I deserved that.  I deserved to be completely alone right now.  I felt miserable, shaky, hurting all over, queasy... but it let me know that I was alive, I guess.  I could not stand the silence.  "Dad... talk to me... yell... something," I said, not realizing how much speaking few words would make me want to throw up.

I put an arm on Elena's shoulder and said to her, "Only do what you feel comfortable doing, sweetie.  I can let you know everything we do... he's probably just going to be sleeping tonight -- well, trying to -- and recovering anyways.  Though it may be best if you don't want to talk to see him tonight... I'm not sure if he'll be up to talking."  I sighed and ran my hand through my hair when I saw Remus walking towards us.  "It does look like he may be at St. Mungo's now... here comes Remus."  I looked at my daughter and rubbed between her shoulder blades before heading towards Remus so he did not have to walk all the way to us.  "It's up to you, Lenni.  If anything changes, we'll be there all night.  You can come whenever you're ready if it's not now, okay?"