I want to stay in love with my sorrow -- Fall 1996

I furrowed my brow... I wanted my whiskey back, but I guess I figured that there was no way I was going to get it back right now.  I looked back across the grounds.  I leaned forward a little bit, liking the rush that it gave me that I could easily fall down to the ground and finally get rid of everything that I felt.  I glanced back at my uncle as if daring him to do something to me right now.  "I am enjoying the idea of risk taking," I explained, grinning at him.

I sighed and shook my head, looking out across the grounds.  It was a beautiful view of everything... i just wish that were the real reason Dean was out here.  "Dean... why don't we talk about what's going on?  You know you have always been able to tell me everything," I said quietly.  I had never judged him - even when I thought that he was beign completely stupid at the time, I never judged him.  Now, however, he was wearing my patience quite thin.

And Uncle Remus just had that way of bringing reality back into my head despite my efforts to keep it out.  I did not look at him and looked down, thinking how it might feel to just let it all go.  I felt his hand on my shoulder.  I looked at him.  "I don't feel like talking," I said quietly, looking back down at the ground.  I really did not want to get into everything... especially with Remus.

I kept my hand on his shoulder and sighed.  "Dean, at least get off of the edge... please," I said.  He was scaring me a little bit with how close he was getting close to looking like he wanted to fall.  I was not about to walk away from him right now nor was i going to let him continue sitting on the edge like this.  I did not care if he was stoned or whatever he was right now, he did not need to be so risky right now.  I wanted to get him off the edge and to open up... I believe it would really help him right now.

I had to look at Remus again.  I had never heard that tone before and I realized just how crazy I probably looked to him right now and it was freaking him out.  The fact that I cared told me that my high was leaving me.  I hated how quickly it came and went... my body was building a tolerance and I really just wanted to feel nothing for a lot longer of a time period.  "Okay," I assured him, getting off of the ledge and when I had my feet on the solid floor was when I saw Uncle Remus let out a sigh of relief.  "But I'm not talking about a damn thing," I said, shrugging away from his hand that he kept on my shoulder.  I swear he thought that I really would have jumped.  I wouldn't have... but it was nice to know that someone would miss me anyways.

I sighed and shook my head.  "That's alright, I won't push you," I told him, trying to figure out how to coax him to at least leave the Tower so I would not have to worry about him.  Dean was in a very fragile state of mind right now and that meant that one had to take it slow with him.  I didn't want to drive him to do something worse but nor did I want to let him just get away with what he was doing.  "Will you at least come have a cup of tea with me?  We don't have to talk... but I do miss our Monday night sessions where I would teach you something new.  Can you just appease an old mans nostalgia?" I questioned.  I really hoped that he would at least follow me.  Even if he made a last ditch attempt to run off and do something else, at least he would not be up here by himself.

I smiled slightly, also missing our sessions.  This was the first year that we did not have any and it was all due to me, of course.  I stopped doing so much... but then again, I started doing other things to fill in their place.  I sighed and shrugged.  "I guess," I said, wondering if I really wanted to go have tea with my uncle.  I mean... he wouldn't have to say anyhting and I would probably end up talking -- which was something I did not want to do.  But then again, tea sounded so comforting... perhaps it would do me some good, even if I did not talk to him about anything.

I followed him down to his office.  The stares from everyone else made me think that they thought Remus was actually going to punish me.  As if.  But the looks just made me hang my head a little bit... I did not necessarily enjoy what they were thinking about me right now.  But then again, most of the time I did not care.  The only time I did meant that I needed something to get rid of my sobriety.  I sat down in the comfy chair in the office as Uncle Remus made us some tea.  When he handed me my cup, I took in the aroma.  I closed my eyes slightly as I let the steam flow into my face a little bit waking me up.  I opened my eyes and I saw that Uncle Remus was having some tea but was pulling out some essays to grade.  He was serious... he was not going ot force me to talk.

After making the tea I pulled out some papers to grade while I sat with Dean.  I told him I would not push him, so I was not going to.  If he wanted to open up, he would.  If not, then I was at least helping make him sober before he left my office so I knew I would not have to worry about him for the time being.  I made it through three essays before I heard what sounded like a sniffle.  I swear.. he was snorting something in my office, that was going to be the last straw.  I glanced up at him and instantly chastised myself for thinking Dean would do that in front of me.  I saw tears in his eyes -- which were not nearly as red as they had been when I found him.  I wanted to prod him along to talk to me, but I knew I could not.  I went back to reading the essay I was on, hoping I would be interrupted.  Perhaps he did not want to be rude.  I set my quill down and finished my cup.  I stood up and went over to where I was going to make myself a second, asking Dean, "Would you like another cup?"

I was fighting back tears because everything that I was doing... how I was behaving, what happened, everything... I felt so ashamed of myself.  But there was something in me that told me no matter how I felt right that moment, I would be weak tomorrow and go and do the same damn thing.  I cleared my throat a little bit and said, "Please."  I handed him my mug and folded my amrs on his desk and put my face into the crook of my elbow and just started sobbing.  I really hoped that Uncle Remus would stop doing what I requested and would talk to me.  At least ask me what was wrong... what was going on... something.

And that was what I was waiting to happen.  I set the mugs down; tea could wait for the moment.  I crouched by the chair so that way if Dean looked at me, we would be eye level and put my hand on his shoulder.  "Dean... you'll be okay," I said quietly.  I was not sure if the tears were coming from the reality check of just how stupid his decisions have been lately, the reality that the love of his life was no longer in his life, a mixture of those two things, or who knows what else with this child.  No matter what the reason, Dean would be okay.  He would come out of this.  It would take time, supervision, commitment, everything to do so... but he would be fine.

I sat upright though a little slouched in the chair and just stared at Uncle Remus.  "How can you say that?  I'm a bloody mess," I said, running a hand through my hair.  I was shaking slightly and it just made me feel worse.  "I miss her so much... and the only time I don't is when I take something for it.  I know, I know... it's wrong and not good for me.  But if I can get rid of this never ending ache in my heart... the pain that I feel... then I'm going to do it," I said, just letting the tears run down my cheeks freely.  I doubt my uncle would understand.  He was the goody-two-shoes in the group.  Though I do have to say as far as I knew, none of them had gotten mixed up with what I was doing.

I took a deep breath.  How on earth was I going to help my godson?  "I know that ache, Dean.  The only person that had been with me throughout the entire time from start to finish... I lost him five years ago.  I know the pain one feels... it had been me and my dad against the world," I said quietly.  I stood up and moved to sit in my own chair, crouching was not good for me.  "I know how it feels to lose someone that you loved with all your heart, Dean.  I just know that you are strong enough to make it through."  I wanted to make sure that Dean knew that.  He would be able to get through all of this.  He just needed to believe in himself.

I felt horrible that he had to bring up his dad, Grandpa John.  We all called him that... he was our only grandpa alive.  "I know you think that I'm strong enough to make it through.  But I can't see that far in the future... are you a seer?" I teased, knowing that I was just going to get him angry.  But I really wanted to help him get his own mind off of his father.  And that was how I knew my high was wearing off... I started caring.

I sighed and took his hand from across the table.  "Dean, just think about what you are doing, okay?" I asked him.  "Just think of the consequences... and know that the people who love you will love you no matter what.  Whether you are doing this or suffering through the pain of losing someone or being a smart ass."  I smiled at him and hoped that he would believe me because it was the truth.

I wish it were as easy as Uncle Remus claimed it was.  No one understood everything that was going through my head.  I had been so busy being strong for Addison about losing the baby... when did I get teh chance to realize that I lost a child, too?  I did not.  I kept going strong for Addison.  And then she left me.  All alone... and that let my mind realize that I lost my baby boy and the love of my life.  It hit me like a ton of bricks... how on earth was I supposed to handle that type of loss?  I shouldn't have to handle that much loss at my age.  It is unheard of for someone my age to go through something like I had.  "Don't worry about me.  I'll be fine," I said, trying to play it off with a shrug.  I knew he was just going to argue with me more... but I just did not feel like having logic thrown at me or anything.