A Shoulder to Lean On -- February 1977

This happened to me every time a week or so before the full moon -- restlessness.  It also didn't help that I had the dance in a couple of months to worry about.  I mean... I was going with Chloe.  I couldn't wait!  But I also just wished that I wouldn't make a fool of myself either.  And we all knew that was bound to happen.  I Was kind of all over the place with my emotions... I swore, my time of the month was just about as bad as a girl's.  Just saying.  Instead of tossing and turning in bed, I figured I'd go down to the common room and get a jump start on a couple of essays.  Why not make the most out of insomnia?  I grabbed my bag quietly and went downstairs when I saw someone else sitting by the fire.  That was odd... it was nearly 3 in the morning.  I walked over to them to see if they were sleepign and nearly made Ember jump out of her skin.  "Oh, sorry, Em," I said quickly, hoping to keep her from screaming a little bit.

I hadn't even heard him come up behind me and when I saw someone out of the corner of my eye I nearly screamed! "Remus!" I whispered, holding a hand on my chest. "Can't you at least make some sort of sound when you're walking about?" I asked, giving him a relieved smile. I didn't know who I was fearing to see down here in the middle of the night, but it wasn't Remus.

I set my things down beside the chair and sat down, smiling at her. "You know, most people are asleep at this time of night... meaning that it's polite to stay quiet," I informed her. It was hard to judge why she was awake. I couldn't really tell if she had been crying or anything... so I figured I'd just wait it out. I really hoped that Sirius and James didnt' do something stupid to her. I was getting a little sick of that. I mean, when would they grow up?

"I suppose you're right," I conceded, looking into the fire again. I was so transfixed staring off into space that I hadn't even noticed him. I was sure I would've heard him had I been paying attention. "What are you doing down here at this time of night?" I asked him, looking back towards him.

I shrugged. "Just couldn't sleep... and there's no use tossing around in bed when there is homework to do," I said, indicating my bag. "Everything alright?"

I noticed the darkness under his eyes and his wary look in his eyes. I also realized the full moon was only a mere week away. I made a habit of acting like I didn't even know... that way Ididn't need to watch what I said around anyone. So I didn't even bring it up with remus. "Yeah," I said, shrugging. "Just my mind overthinking things, you know... trying to figure out what the other guys are trying to do to me." I felt like a silly little girl worrying about a couple of boys. I mean, the one was my brother... so yeah, that was understandable. But the other was Sirius... I hated the fact that he kept me up at night. But this time it wasn't because I was in love with him... it was because I was worrying what they were planning for the dance. I tried to not let it bother me... and when talking with the girls about getting dresses and stuff, it didn't. Being by myself in bed with only my thoughts? Yeah, it bugged me.

I leaned back in the chair and sighed. "Did it occur to you that maybe they aren't planning anything?" I asked, trying to be hopeful. To be honest, they didn't say anything around me. But I was sure that Ember wouldn't believe me when I said that, despite our friendship and trust.

I almost laughed out loud. "Oh Remus... you really do try to see the best in people," I said, shaking my head with a smile on my face. "I wouldn't put it past James and Sirius to be planning something. Though there's nothing I can do about it, I guess. I will enjoy this," I said matter-of-factly to my friend.

I smiled, slightly surprised by the tone of her voice. "And you should,' I told her. "You never know what might come of it."

I guess he was right. I looked at him and saw worry etched on his face. "Is there something bothering you, Remus?" I asked, sitting more upright so I could get a better read of his facial expressions.

I just shrugged. There was just a lot on my mind. "Nothing to worry about, Em," I said, trying to give her a smile. When I saw the look I received I knew it didn't work. "Just nervous and stuff thinking about the dance and Chloe and everything."

I nodded, understanding a little bit at elast. "And everything being the furry little problem?" I asked, figuring that was probably the main cause of worry. I mean, for me it would be.

I chuckled a little bit and ran a hand through my hair. "Well, that's definitely part of it," I admitted. "But really, in general, I'm excited with what I have with Chloe... however... I'm guarded with her. I don't want anything to happen negatively... yet, I don't know. I guess I just don't see how someone like her would want someone like me. Especially knowing how unfit someone like me is."

I scooted to the edge of my chair and put a hand on his knee. "Remus, you're not unfit," I assured him. "Chloe is enthralled by you... you are an attractive guy, you know." I mean... hello! I dated him! I smiled at him. "Don't let your furry little problem loom over you like this... it shouldn't control what you do or who you date or anything."

I chuckled slightly and shook my head. "Em, you're being a little naive about my issue here," I told her. How could it not control my life? It's not like it's just somethign that happened every now and then... it happened every month. There was no stopping it. No way to change it. "The wolf is a big part of my life. There's no controlling it when it wants out... I have gotten a little better over the years... but I just wish..." I trailed off and ran my hand through my hair and looked towards the fire. I didn't want to finish that thought. Sometimes I wish that he would've just killed me. Why make me turn into a monster? Greyback was his name... the one who turned me. I shook my head. "Ember... I wish I just wasn't like this," I finished lamely.