CEMETARY -- Right now I wish you where here

I didn't know what to do anymore.  I needed guidance.  Dean was unsure of everything and I didn't know what to do about him.  Sirius was... well, grieving for the people I stood in front of.  Elena was growing up.  And Harry barely knew I was alive and I had sworn to James and Lily that if anything would Merlin-forbid happen to them, I would protect him.  Well, guess who was keeping us apart?  Dumbledore.  I was getting sick of it.  I wanted to see my nephew.  I had written him thousands of times... but from the lack of response I wondered if he even got them.  I wouldn't blame him if he just ignored them thinking I wasn't trying hard enough to be in his life.  I knelt on the ground in front of James and Lily.  As much as I loved Lily, I just needed my big brother... so I was focusing on him. 

"James... I am so sorry for disappointing you.  I need help finding more ways to get in touch with Harry without scaring him.  And without him being angry with me for not coming to him.  He needs to understand everything that happened.  I know I've told you, but they sent him away to be with Petunia!  Why her and not me?!"  I sighed and picked at the grass for a little bit.  "And I don't know what to do about Sirius or Dean.  It's like one second they love each other and then the next Dean is pushing his father away from him.  Sirius isn't the same since he returned home.  I knew that would happen.  But I don't know if it's going to worsen or get better now that he's out... I love him and he is my life.  But I just don't know how to make it easier for him.  Dean doesn't exactly make it easy for him either.  I understand why Dean is so angry... his father wasn't around.  But he never believed he was innocent, either.  He should've known better than to think that Sirius would hurt you.  I just... I just don't know what to do and I'm about at the end of my rope.  I feel like I'm all out of options in helping my two men in life.  Elena has been easy thus far... I mean, yes there are fights in school.  But we have a good relationship.  She's a little peeved with her father treating her like a child, but what girl doesn't go through that?  I feel like I've got a handle on her for some reason.  Maybe I just understand her spirit more than Sirius and Dean's.  I dont' know, James... I wish you could answer me... I just need you right now..."

I wiped a tear from my eye.  I knew it was hard on Sirius not being able to say goodbye.  I knew it was tough on Dean not having a father.  I knew it was tough on Elena having a father who was innocent but everyone thought guilty.  I knew it was tough on everyone now that Sirius was back home.  But I was growing wearing of being the only one trying to keep the family together.  The only one being strong.  I needed time to break.  And this was it... to the brother who was no longer here to comfort me, I wept.  I asked for help knowing I wouldn't receive any.  It just felt nice to be able to talk to James, even if he couldn't hear me.

I was always curious where Mum would go when she left the house at random.  I mean, it really wasn't any of my business, but I still wanted to know.  I had followed her to where my grandparents and aunt and uncle were buried.  I stayed in the shadows so she wouldn't know I was there.  I heard her talking and moved closer to hear her better.  I couldn't believe how hurt she was.  She wasn't alone in this!  I guess I never did tell her that I knew Peter was alive... I was afraid to.  Especially after what had happened with the warning.  But that's why I tried with Dad... it was just hard.  I couldn't believe she thought the family was falling apart.  I felt like it was finally getting put back together.

When I heard her crying, I stepped out of the shadows and went up to her.  "Mum... I'm sorry I've been so difficult," I whispered to her, sitting down on teh ground next to her.

I about nearly jumped out of my skin.  I turned to see my son sitting down next to me.  "Dean!  I didn't know you came... you shouldn't be here with me right now," I said, wiping the tears from my cheeks.  I heard his apology, but it was unnecessary.  Kids are meant to strain the parents... it's the circle of life.

I took my mum's hands and held them.  Then I wiped her cheeks.  "Mum... you don't have to worry about us so much," I said, being completely honest with her.  "I know Dad didn't do it.  I just find it difficult to trust him.  He hasn't been around... I don't feel like i know him enough for him to be my father.  I know it wasn't by choice... but it's hard for me to get over that," I explained.  I ran my hand through my hair, like I was tol dmy father did frequently as well.  My other hand was still holding my mum's.  "I know it probably doesn't seem like it... but I feel like our family is starting to be put back together adn you seem to think it's falling apart around you."

I looked at my son, surprised.  "Dean... I don't necessarily think that it's falling apart," I told him.  "But I'm just finding it harder and harder to be strong for everyone."  I was surprised I was confiding in my son right now.  It was not his burden to bear.  But he had followed me and he was an adult.  So I suppose it served him well to be treated like one.

I smiled at her.  "Mum, who ever said you had to be strong for all of us?" I asked.  "What about, for a change, I be strong for you?  I know I have been selfish and argumentative.  I know I've made it known at times that I hated you.  But I never really did, you know that, don't you?  I just hated the fact that you were probably right about everything.  I just didn't want to hear it.  Elena's a tough girl, she can definitely handle herself.  Especially with an overprotective father," I added with a slight laugh.  "But Mum, I'm old enough to handle being strong for you.  If I didn't have you... I wouldn't be where I am today.  I think I can return the favor by easing thigns up for you a little bit."  I put my arm around her shoulder and let her rest her head on mine.  I didn't understand why she thought things were all haywire when it seemed things were fine.  But then again, Mum was tough... she knew how to hide worries adn to keep things so we don't hear them all the time.  I didn't know how Dad really was now compared to before.  I had to wonder if there was something wrong there.  "Mum... why are you worrying about Dad?" I questioned, unsure if I wanted the answer.

I sighed, keeping my head on my son's shoulder.  I hadn't really realized how big he was until now.  He didn't need to be strong for me.  He didn't need to return any favor.  I was his mother...  I had to protect him from what I could.  "Honey, I know you didn't mean you hated me.  That's just what all teenagers say to their parents at one point or another.  It tells me I'm doing it right," I told him with a slight laugh.  I put my hand on his knee and pulled away so I could look at him.  How he reminded me of his father!  "Dean, I'm worried because a place like Azkaban changes people.  I knew it would no matter if the affects didn't happen as much to your father.  I expected changes.  But... I'm just worrying that these changes went deep into your father and that it might've changed the goodness in him.  He is a good man, Dean.  I'm just worried he may have lost that while in there, despite my efforts to make sure it was shown to him every time I visited.  I know that James and LIly's deaths still haunt him.  I don't know if that will ever change... but he can't keep doing that to himself.  Blaming himself... and I believe that's what he's doing.  I haven't even brought my concerns up to him for fear that he'll just shut down and not really understand where I'm coming from."  I sighed and looked back to the tombstones of my brother and sister.  It was still hard for me sometimes to realize they were gone.  I'm sure it was hard on everyone, even after all these years.  But I didn't think that Sirius was past it like the rest of us were.

"I don't think it's changed him like you fear, Mum," I told her, "because if he wasn't a good man he wouldn't have helped me when I came to him while he was in Azkaban.  He wouldn't have com ehome to be with his family.  He wouldnt' be trying to make things right."  I squeezed her shoulders.  I was glad that I had enough confidence and standing with my mother to let her unload a little bit with me.  We haven't talked like this in years.  I knew how this must feel to her... how much it must mean to her.  I knew it meant a lot to me, this talk right now.  "Mum... what was Dad like back then?"  I wanted to hear the stories now.  Not when she had meant to tell me before.  "I mean... tell me how you guys ended up dating and stuff.  Was it hard with Uncle James in the picture?"

I couldn't believe he wanted to know.  I laughed out loud.  "Was it hard?  It was horrendous with Uncle James in the picture!"  I shook my head.  "I couldn't believe how hard he made it for me to date anyone, let alone his best friend."  Where to begin with the story?!  "Well, it had happened on Valentine's day at a dance... Your father and I went as a date.  Supposedly just as friends because I had been practically in love with your father for as long as I could remember.  Uncle James had warned me against going through with it in fear that it would become something -- which he didn't want it to do.  There was a karaoke contest... naturally your father and I competed in.  I'm sure I'll tell you that I won and I'm sure he'll tell you that he won the contest," I joked, sighing a little bit.  "It was a beautiful night.  I mean, there was an argument between your father and uncle and then me and your uncle... and then your aunt and uncle argued.  Remus and Chloe had their first kiss as a couple.  It was an emotional roller coaster, that was for sure.  After your aunt and I pounded down some ice cream with being so upset at the guys, they finally came in.  Naturally your aunt and uncle left the room so your father and I could talk.  Instead of telling me how he felt, he showed me.  He gave me the smallest kiss you could imagine," I explained.  "I'm sure he thought I would smack him or something..."

I sat there, riveted.  "But did he not realize that was something you probably wanted to do since forever?" I questioned.  I laughed at myself sounding like a schoolgirl.  but I had never wanted to hear these stories before.  "I mean... was he that oblivious?"

I laughed.  "You know, Dean, I'm not sure what he was at that moment... and I'm not sure if he even knew," I replied.  Thinking of how perfect that night was still got to me.  It sent goosebumps up and down my arms.  "Well, that was also the night your uncle proposed to Lily.  They came downstairs and crashed our party... not that we were doing anything we shouldn't have been, but your father just asked the official question.  It was wonderful, though.  Lily and James went back upstairs... Sirius and I cuddled on the couch.  Remus and Chloe had a romantic walk around the grounds... I think that was the start of something wonderful for each couple that night," I said, looking off into the distance remembering the looks of happiness on all of our faces.  It was a night that I would never forget.

I wiped a tear from my mum's cheek again.  It didnt' even seem like she knew it was about to fall.  "Mum... just remember that night.  Remember Dad like that... he's probably just going through a ton right now that he needs to sort through.  Just know that if he went through Uncle James to have you, then he was meant to be yours.  Through thick or thin," I said, smiling at her.  I couldn't believe that my dad was so sweet... I thought he was only a player and a prankster.  But then again I had also thought he was a traitorous murderer not that long ago, too. I wasn't sure what to make of all of this. I just hoped that I had helped Mum a little bit. It was probably nicer to talk to me than to someone who couldn't answer.

"Honey, you didn't have to be here with me tonight," I told him, holding his hand.  I was surprised he was letting me do that.  "Why did you follow me?" I asked.  That was unlike him to get involved in others' business like this.  I was glad he did, though... I haven't seen this side of Dean in a long time.  It was nice to have him back again.

I looked at my mum. "I've been worried about you. You haven't been acting like yourself," I told her. "And i was curious as to where you'd run off to for hours at a time... I didnt' realize I was going to be interrupting something like this, though. To be honest, I was kind of thinking it was an affair or something." I couldn't hlep but laugh out loud at teh thought of that now! How ridiculous of me to think something like that about my own mother!

I couldn't believe my ears!  "You thought I was having an affair?" I asked, I couldn't help but sound appalled by that idea.  I pushed his shoulder.  "I should ground you for thinking sucha  thing about me!"  I teased.