Useless fights -- TBD

I watched Addison closely and sighed.  "Then why do you even bother?" I asked her, my voice rough with anger and sadness.  I knew I was difficult, but I could not and would not live in this chair forever.  I was improving... slgihtly.  But if I worked harder and more than I normally did with these exercises, I woudl be able to walk again.  That was my logic anyways.

I had been halfway out the door when I heard what he said.  I stopped and turned to look at him.  "Why?  Because we have three kids who depend on us... because if I didn't, then you would bloody kill yourself.  Because I love you," I said.  It occurred to me taht I did nto say that straight away like I used to.  Dean was just wearing on my nerves.  That was the only reason being in love with him had not come out first... right?

I stared at Addison.  "You really honestly think I'd kill myself?  I'm not a complete moron, Addison," I said to her hostilely.  "And don't say it's because you love me because lately, well, I'm starting to think differently about your feelings for me."  I did not want to be a complete ass, but it was true.  I knew I was not being easy when I got tired like this, but then again... I still tried to treat her properly.  I got her flowers... and I did love her.  Times like these she bothered me, yeah, but in the end she was still my love.

But I was not daft.  I could tell that her feelings were wavering.  She was losing faith in us... I just could not believe I just flat out said it, though.  But I was so upset with her at the moment.

I stared at him, unsure of what to say next.  Normally I had the comebacks for his being an ass.  I took a deep breath, not letting what he said bother me.  I knew that he was in a bad mood and just wanted to hurt me.  I tried to ignore the feeling that he was right about it.  I knew he was right... but I was not sure if I wanted to admit it aloud.

"Dean," I said with exaggerated patience, "no you wouldn't kill yourself.  I know you'd never intentionally do something like that again.  but if you keep down this path... it will kill you."

Okay, she had a bit of a point on that one.  But that did not mean I wanted to listen to reason quite yet.  So I chose rolling my eyes as the best response.  "You have no idea, Addie, why I'm doing this.  I'm not going to kill myself in the long wrong -- I'm going to be able to walk again.  You don't know what it's like..."

I looked at Dean and I could not believe he would think that I had no idea what it was like.  "I deal with this just as much as you do," I spat at him.  "I live with you and with this just like you and everyone else."

I stared at her.  "It's not the same thing," I said to Addison. "Yes, you have to live with it -- but you aren't the one suffering with it.  You don't get the stares and the pity..." I shook my head.  "You don't understand."

I opened my mouth to argue with him, but shut it again.  "Dean... I know it's hard; I know it sucks.  But you can't push yourself to your breaking point every single time you do exercises," I explained to him, trying not to sound bitchy.

I wanted to argue some more because she had no idea how hard it was.  I would make progress and then it would decline a lot.  We all knew that I would never be able to walk on my own again, but I wanted to at least be able to make it with the special crutches for more than barely an afternoon.  I hated getting pity from everyone -- including family and mates.  

"Don't even try to understand," I said to her, "because it's impossible for you to know what it's like without actually being in my place.  And I would never want you in my place."

I pursed my lips and started to throw the decorative pillows off the bed.  "Whatever, Dean," I said to him with frustration.  "You're going to kill yourself pushing so hard... and what's the point?  The kids would like to have their father around.  And I'd like to have a husband."

I stopped for a moment and sighed.  "I know they'd like their father -- that's why I'm doing this.  I can't be there for them if I'm stuck the way I am," I said.