You are desperate not to be something you are -- December 1987

I had not really checked on my younger brother that much since he got started here at Hogwarts.  I know, bad brother of the year award will be going to me.  He was a smart kid, so I did not think that I needed to check on him so much... but I did check on Charlie like crazy when he first started. I needed to do that with Percy, too. I felt bad for the kid in general and I felt even worse for not making sure that he was handling all of this okay.  I saw him with a pile of books in the common room.  I went over and sat down with him.  I remembered those lessons.  He seemed to be nearly done with his essay... maybe.  "Hey, Perce, how are things going for you?" I asked, willing to offer him my words of wisdom of getting through the years at school.

I was so immersed in my studies, that I had not heard my eldest brother come up and sit by me.  I jumped a little bit when he spoke.  I smiled slightly at him and set my quill down.  I idolized my eldest brother, I really did.  He was what I aspired to be -- Prefect.  I was sure that he would end up being Head Boy next year, too.  I shrugged at his question.  The schoolwork was easy; the other students not so much.  I knew that Bill would have no idea what I was talking about; he was popular and everyone loved him.  Charlie was the same way, too.  I was sure the whole family would be like that... except me.  It was because I was a nerd and I showed it.  Bill was nerdy, but he had this way of not showing it.  "They're fine," I said, not sure if I wanted to confide in him that I was constantly picked on and teased.  It was actually not what I expected from school.  I was able to excel in my studies and the teachers all loved me... but I really did not have any friends.  There were the people that were nice to me and I was kind to others -- just not rule breakers.  But there was no one I really had... not the way CHarlie got along with Tonks and the way Bill got along with everyone.

I sighed and loosened the tie around my neck a little bit.  I did not have another class for the rest of the day, but I knew if I too it completely off then I would end up losing it.  I recognized the tone in which Percy spoke; everything was not fine.  I was sure when it came to school, things were great.  Percy was like a genius.  I would argue that he was smarter than myself.  I could see this kid doing the nearly impossible like I had done -- get 12 OWLs.  But I also knew that Percy was a force to be reckoned with; one would not want to be caught doing something wrong or inappropriate with him around... which had its own way of making enemies.  Especially in school.  Even the teachers showed more leniency than Percy when it came to breaking some rules.  I looked at my brother -- I really needed to stop disconnecting myself from him by just calling him kid, too -- and said, "Percy, you can talk to me.  I know not everything is fine.  So talk."  I would not take no for an answer.  I was not going to let him shrug me off, either.  I was hearing what some people said about him and I did not like it.  I tried to defend him, but I could only do so much.

I really hoped that he would not make fun of me like the rest of the kids at school.  I sighed and looked up to my older brother.  "Well, I'm being teased a lot," I started to explain.  "I know why... it's because I'm different.  Anyone who is different gets teased."  I used the word Mum used to describe me as to why my brothers and Ginny teased me.  It was all because I was different.  But that was no reason for me to be teased at school; there was plenty of people who was different here and I did not see them getting teased as much as me.

Of course he would use the words that Mum told him numerous times.  The way that he looked at me made me feel horrible.  I made a mental note to not tease Percy anymore.  He got enough of it at school without his own brother adding to it.  I nodded at him.  "Yeah, you are different.  You're smart, you already know what you want with yourself -- which most kids even my age don't know yet.  You may be a pain sometimes, Percy, but that gives no one the right to make fun of you," I said, getting a little angry that people here at Hogwarts were making my brother feel the way he was feeling.  I knew he was trying to act like it did not bother him that much, but I could see it written all over his young features.  He was only eleven after all... he was not very good at hiding his emotions.

I chuckled despite myself at Bill calling me a pain.  My smile faded quickly, though.  I did not want to sound like a little kid, but I could not help it.  I wanted my big brother's help.  "Bill... you all make fun of me because I'm different.  So it's not a big deal that everyone else is doing it," I said quietly, looking down at my hands.  "I just wish that I could get people to talk to me rather than make fun of me... like you and Charlie."  I looked back at my brother, trying not to look upset, but knowing that it was obvious in my voice.  "I don't have any friends, Bill.  No one wants to be my friend."  That realization brought tears to my eyes as much as I hated to admit it.  I had been at school for four months and I had no friends... no one enjoyed talking to me, hanging out with me... the only reason it seemed like people sat with me was because they had to.

Though I was not necessarily surprised by what Percy said about not having any friends, it still pained me to see that it upset him so much.  I kind of thought he liked being alone; he always was at home.  I put my arm around him as we sat on the couch together.  How on earth was I going to console him when I was not shocked by this revelation?  I stayed quiet for a moment so I could gather my thoughts.  "Percy, your classmates probably don't talk to you because they don't know how," I started out, thinking that this was a great way of helping him feel better.  "You're so intelligent... well beyond the smarts of any other kid your age.  So they're afraid that they're going to look stupid when standing beside you.  And you have such a vocabulary already... they just don't know how to talk to you.  There's nothing wrong with that... but if you want to make friends, try to loosen up a little bit.  Don't be such a stickler about things.  Try to actually have fun instead of just wanting to do schoolwork."  It was hard to talk to Percy and tell him why he might not have friends without insulting him and making him feel even worse about himself.  I really hoped that I was doing a good job at it.

I pulled away so I could see Bill's face better.  "So you're saying change who I am so people will like me?  Is that what you and Charlie did?" I inquired.  I thought that went against everything Mum and Dad tried to instill in us.  We were fine just the way we were and that we should not change for anyone.  But now Bill was telling me something completely different.

Of course that would be what he took away from that.  I sighed and ran a hand through my hair.  "No, I'm not saying change who you are.  At least not completely."  Why did this have to be so difficult?  I looked at my younger brother.  "Let's take a different route... what do you do for fun while at school?" I asked.  I figured I already knew the answer to that, but I just wanted to make sure before I jumped to conclusions.

I looked at Bill like he was crazy.  He already knew the answer to that I would think anyways.  "I read or play chess," I said, trying not to sound condescending to my older brother.  I was not sure what he was getting at.

That was what I thought.  "Well, instead of reading or playing chess... why don't you join in on the fun others enjoy?  Like skipping rocks by the lake, hanging out and talking, Quidditch, during the winter the snow fights..." I suggested, trying to think of the different things me and my friends tended to do.  That might help.  But by now a lot of students were already making their cliques and I was afraid that Percy was being left out and there may not be anything he could do about it now.  The hell if I was going to say that to my brother, though.

I was not sure if I liked the sound of that, but it might be the only way I could make friends.  "Can't I just try to find someone who likes the same things as me?  Like... in the library or something?" I asked, not really liking the idea of changing my idea of fun.  I liked the hanging out and talking, but you needed friends first to do that.  I was not just going to go interrupt some conversations... but I might just have to to make friends.  Ic ould learn from Bill and Charlie, right?  They could talk to anyone.

"You could do that... but there aren't that many students that like to do what you do," I admitted, thinking that Percy was so smart but so stupid at the same time.  He lacked common sense... to me, that knowledge of knowing that people like him were few and far between was common sense.  Something my little brother lacked... a lot.  I smiled at my brother.  "I know you're shy compared to me and Charlie, but you could always try to find some people by the lake or something and strike up a conversation.  You just have to be prepared that you might get shot down the first few times, but when they get to know you, they'll love to have you around," I suggested.  And if it was not for his good friendship, they would appreciate help on homework.  I hated to admit it, but that might be the only way for Percy to get his foot in the door with some of the students here.

I groaned slightly and rested my head against the back of the couch.  Maybe I should just focus on school than making friends... no, I wanted friends.  I wondered why I was sorted into Gryffindor and not Ravenclaw.  I think I would have done much better in that house.  "You think that I should get out of my shell is what you're saying?" I asked to clarify.  I was not sure if I could do that, but if it would help, I sure was goign to try.

I smiled at my little brother.  "Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.  You will never know what will happen... so you may as well jump and take chance, Perce," I told him.  "That's how I got as far as I am.  If you don't take the leap, you end up going nowhere."  And that was why I had looked into my career choice.  I just hoped that I would get an offer that I was trying for.  I just had not said anything to my family.  I looked at Percy and was glad to see that he seemed to be looking a little bit better about himself.  So I did do my job of being a big brother.