If You're Reading This -- Summer 1979

I decided that I knew what was going to happen to me in a few days' time.  I knew what my decision would lead to.  What I did not know was how I could do it without saying goodbye to the people that I loved and cared about.  I had a date with Aimee within the next couple of days... how on earth could I do that without telling her that I was leaving her forever?  I had to figure it out, though, because I could not let her in on what I was doing.  I needed to protect them all.  Ignorance was indeed bliss this time around.  I knew Voldemort would end up coming after them if he knew what I was doing and that I had told them.  I really was not even sure if the recipients of these letters would receive them... I was going to keep them stashed in my bedroom behind the loose boards with my stash of money that I had.  It would be like a time caspule that people make sometimes... except mine would probably bring tears to people's eyes.  I had to say goodbye, though.  I just had to.  There was no other way for me to go about this and not leave something behind for my family and friends to know how I felt about them.  I sat at my desk and took a deep breath.  I was definitely going to be going into these, diving right in.  And there would be no stopping me.  I closed my eyes with the quill in my hand, deciding on who's letter I was going to write first.

I sat there for a moment longer and sighed.  I really was not sure how I was even going to start writing anything.  This was ridiculous.  I set the quill down for a moment and rubbed the bridge of my nose.  I grabbed the eagle feather again and dipped it in some ink.  It was time to write.  I did not have the time to dawdle and not be able to say goodbye to my loved ones in the first place let alone doing this.  

Sirius,


I don't really know how to say this... but I am proud to call you my brother.  You have no idea how you have saved my life tonight.  OK, you didn't really save my life, but you saved my soul.  I am finally doing good in the world... trying to help take away my negative effect.  I never thought that it would come to this when I joined Voldemort.  I guess I did not really realize what I was signing up for.  It was difficult for me to come to this realization.  I just wish that I would have come to it before I made teh commitment, before I let you run away feeling totally unloved, before I took on this task.  But now that I have found out what I have, I need to do this.  I just wish that I could say these things to you in person before I go on to the next chapter of my life.  I miss you... you have no idea how much I looked up to you.  You were always so strong and brave -- that's why you were the one to make the difference in the family of Blacks being Sorted into Gryffindor.  But the difference you made goes beyond just being Sorted into a different House.  You will make the name of Black mean something more than just being a Pureblood.  You make it mean family, strength, honor, bravery... everything that it should mean but doesn't.  


I ran a hand through my hair and blinked back the tears that were in my eyes.  I shook my head.  As I reread it, the letter sounded lame.  I would just continue on, there wa sno reason not to.  I just wish that I could say something to him in person.  I wanted to send this out to him.  I wanted to give him a hug.  But I could not say goodbye.  This was supposed to be all a spur of the moment.  I sighed and picked the quill again to continue writing.

Anyways, this is my lame attempt at saying goodbye and apologizing for making you feel so alone when you were home.  I am truly sorry that you felt like nothing here... I missed you while you were gone.  I hate this... doing this to you.  Leaving this world without you knowing how our relationship could have been.  I'm sorry for everything and, Sirius, you're my brother.  I love you.


Reg

I stopped writing for a moment and looked out my window. How was I even goign to begin to write to Aimee? She would probably never see this anyways... but I wanted her to know what I was doing and why. She deserved to know. Did I risk writing down what I was planning on doing? No, I could not do that. But I could at least tell her my feelings.

Aimee,

You deserved so much better than me, yet you loved me despite all of my flaws. And I love you. With my entire heart. I wish that it could be different, I really do. But there are just some things that need to be done to the worst person in the world. I wish that I had never gotten entranced... but then again, if I hadn't, then I would not have found out what I did.

I sighed and set the quill down. This was going to do our relationship no justice. This was not going to give her any consolation. I may as well finish, though... it might end up helping me.

I just cannot believe that you love me, Aimee. I'm a horrible person... I've done things I never though I would do and yet I did do them. And yet you were there to save me from myself every time I thought I could not go on. I don't think you knew that, though. I only wish that we could grow old together. I really do. You have helped me become the person I am today. You're the only reason I know I'm strong enough to do what I need to do. I wish that I would have been strong enough to resist temptation to begin with. I will miss seeing your beautiful smile every day, Aimee. I need you to promise me that you will smile again. I know it will seem so hard to do at first... but you need to learn to smile after I'm gone. Find someone to make you happy. Just smile. You will be so much better off without me. I only bring you down... you deserve so much more.

I love you, Aimee... I will be thinking of you up until the end, this I can promise you.

Reg