Help me, help you -- TBD

I knew that my daughter wanted to go back to Hogwarts already.  Which I was not sure was the best, but I completely understood why.  I had been through this a couple of times myself.  I knew that she had a hard time coping with this.  She hated to depend on people... I understood that.  I made some tea and sat down by my daughter who had been to herself lately -- which I understood as well.  "Lenni, I made some tea," I said, setting her cup down for her.

I was sitting in the window sill, I looked over to my mum and smiled briefly. " Thanks." I said quietly. I had not been able to sleep. To much of my father's objections George has been staying with me. Helping me get some sleep. He has told me I move a lot and sweat and start to talk repeating I'm sorry. I moved over as I went back to my window sill. " I need to go back."

I sat down and took a sip of the tea.  "As much as I disagree, I understand," I told my daughter.  I knew how it was to not be able tos leep... to keep seeing everything that happened flash in your mind.  To see what had happened to those who helped you.  "You know that that decision is up to you.  You know how you feel better than anybody.  And you better know that I know what is probably running through your head.  Honey, as much as I tried not to tell you about different things... clearly you are able to handle the details.  If you want to talk, I can help you.  Getting through something like this is... well, let's just say difficult," I said, knowing full well that those days still haunt me sometimes.  When Dean was a baby, I watched him like a hawk since they took me and tortured me with him still growing within me.  I had been so worried...

" I just want a good night sleep...." I looked to her, " I have felt so bad because I have kept George frm sleeping a lot...he lies and says he doesn't stay up but he can tell me what I have been doing. That's where he is right now sleeping." I shed a few tears, " How difficult.."

I put an arm around my daughter.  "Honey, don't worry so much about George, okay?  He has been by your side as much as your father was by mine.  He wouldn't have it any other way... he just wants you to worry about you," I said softly.  I recognized the same look in George's eyes as I had seen in Sirius's when this happened to me.  I took a deep breath.  "Extremely.  The first time it hapened, I was with your Aunt Chloe and Aunt Lily.  That time I was just extremely jumpy and nervous.  I nearly beat your uncle for scaring me shortly after that attack."  I sighed again.  "When Mcnair took me when I was pregnant with Dean... I couldn't sleep.  I was so afraid of what would happen to the pregnancy and everything.  Then finally, I decided that being afraid was not me.  I did something about it.  Granted, it was hard to do a lot with a pregnant belly, but I made sure that I was able to defend myself much better without a wand than I had ever been able to do before.  It was a great way to channel the anger... and it wore me out so well that I was finally able to sleep."  I shook my head and pushed some of Elena's hair from her face.  "I'm not saying that it will help you... but perhaps trying to channel your fear and anger about what happened might be a good thing.  But don't push yourself too far too soon, okay?  I'm thinking that may be where some of your brother's issues come from," I said, teasing, hoping to elicit a little smile form my daughter.

Smiling a little, " It works mum.." I said sadly. " I want to work it out but anytime I move...it hurts.." I said to her. " I want to know how to feel safe walking around the house.." I said, The dark figures play tricks on my eyes. It was hard to tell which is which." How did you deal?"

I rubbed my daughter's shoulder a little bit.  "I know it does... and you really shouldn't be pushing yourself like that yet, anyways," I said, turning all motherly on her.  It was my job to look out for my kids.  I sighed and looked out the window for a moment.  "I wish I could tell you it was an easy road ahead... but I can't.  It was James who helped me the most, surprisingly.  Having an evil brother helped at one point.  I was scared to walk the halls of the school... scared to be on the grounds by myself... being the arse that James is, he took it as a challenge to get the fear knocked out of me.  It helped... but that wasn't the hardest to get past.  It was when I was home and they took me.  Home is supposed to be a refuge... a place you can always go where nothing can harm you.  They took that away from you."  I remembered it as if it were yesterday.  I had been so scared... "I kept lights on in every room.  I put up protection spells.  I was so paranoid... I probably drove your dad nuts.  Then I decided that I was falling right into their trap... they were still ruining my life even though they weren't laying a hand on me."  It was hard to explain... and I knew that Lenni would go through it completely differently than I did.  As much as we were alike, we were different from one another as well.  "It was my determination to not let them win that snapped me out of the funk.  And I swear to this day... I will make them pay for what they did to me.  And now to you."

I nodded understanding the need to win, to not let them win. I looked out the window, " I will make them pay." I said surprisingly dark. I needed to beat them for what they did. " They took it from me when I was at George's house. They figures in the dark are playing tricks on my eyes. I blew up a vase in the hallway..." I said with a slight smirk. Being in the house with wizards was a bonus when we got scared we could get away with using magic. " Uncle James helped you....so I should ask Dean to help? " I asked, I felt like I asked to much of Dean and he wouldn't want to help. " I need to work out and get this anger out mum. I am seeing the what ifs whenever I sleep. I am seeing things I never want to see.." I said letting more tears fall. " That is also why the study's light is on. That room is creepy in the dark. " I informed her.

I wrapped my arms around her when I saw the tears.  "Leave whatever lights you need to keep on, on, okay?" I told her, knowing exactly the difficulties that she was going through.  I didn't blame her one bit.  I pulled away and smiled at her slightly.  "And yes... I would suggest going to Dean.  Brothers have a funny way of making sure they're there for you in whatever way you need them to be.  Even if it's them being a smart arse or something," I said, knowing exactly how James thought to help me first.  In which case ended up with my fist in his stomach.

Slight smile, " Thanks mum....you know you and dad don't need to continue taking shifts. " I said laughing as I noticed my dad no matter how much he thought he was sneaky. He was lousy at not checking up on me. " You think it would help going to Dean...." I pondered it couldn't hurt. " I was worried about the three of them. " I told her, " Not knowing what they would do to them....mum they tied them up and made them watch....them hurt ...me" I said as the tears came down more. The hurt in there eyes. " I tried to.....to make...it ...seem like it...didn't hurt. " I looked to her, " I didn't know how to help them...."

I could only imagine what she had seen in their faces.  That was one thing I did not have to see because they had already worn me down.  I only saw the fury afterwards.  I did not see them hurt my loved ones nor did I have to see them watch as I was hurt.  I pushed some hair out of Lenni's face in my motherly fashion.  "Honey, you are so strong," I said softly, "trying in the midst of everything to help the guys the best you could.  You know that with them seeing that happen to you just made them all the more determined to get undone to save you... which is what happened."  I knew that it was hard to think that your loved ones saw you in all that pain, but it did help get them to rescue her.

I know, " Yeah mum I know." I said with a nod. " I just didn't want to let them know how much it hurt. George has nightmares....He doesn't think I know or realize it. I can hear him calling out to me, fred and to dean...." Looking down to the floor. " Mum, I want to beat this..." I said as I need to beat it. " If they hadn't got undone they would have been killed right after the death eaters.....were finished....." I said quietly.

I kissed the top of Elena's head.  "The first step to beating it, is to stop going over the what ifs.  They will tear you apart and there will be nothing left for you to save if you keep thinking about them," I said, speaking of the what ifs as if they were human or something.  But it was true.  There was time to think about all the bad that could have happened but did not.  Then you had to try to move on.  "I know that's a hell of a lot harder to do than just saying it.  I've been there; it sucks.  It's going to take time... and to this day, I wont' lie to you... something might get to me just enough that it brings back those memories."  I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.  "Like all of this with you... becaues I know  exactly how you feel... they took away your safety, they took away your strength... they made you feel like you were nothing.  They hurt hte ones you care most about... but worst of all, they take away a part of you.  That's what they want..."  I smiled a little bit at my daughter.  "Your dad helped me find myself again after all of that along with Uncle James and everyone else.  Don't shut anyone out, sweetie.  I know how you get sometimes.  Let George help... you will be amazed at what even just that will do."