What's coming will come, we'll meet it when it does -- Spring 2017

We were all waiting in the Healer's office.  I was sitting in the chair next to my daughter's while holding her hand; Charlie was pacing behind us.  We were to find out if the treatment had taken care of all the cancer and, if not, what our options were.  I squeezed Quinn's hand reassuringly, trying to give her some of my strength.  We all had been so stressed out about this.  I was not sure what any of us would do if the results came back with the worst possible information.

I paced, unable to stand still.  But everything seemed to freeze -- even myself -- when Quinn's healer walked into the room with her file in hand.  I looked at him and wondered what the news was.  Upon looking into his eyes, I already knew.  I took the moment where Quinn and Desdemona were not paying attention to me to have a slight reaction to the news.  My breath caught in my throat and it felt like my heart stopped.  Tears blurred my vision as the Healer gave a slight nod at me.  I made myself take a deep breath and then the two ladies realized the Healer was in the room.  Time to be the strong one.

I really wished that Dad would stop pacing behind us.  It was rather distracting -- but it was not like we were not being distracted by anything except our own thoughts at the moment.  I turned when I heard Dad's footsteps stop and saw that the Healer walked in.  I looked at my mum, scared out of my mind.  The Healer sat at the desk in front of me and said, "How are you feeling today, Quinn?"

I bit my lip before saying anything.  "It's a good day," I said to him honestly.  "At least health wise... I'm really nervous, though."  I had to be honest.  My mum squeezed my hand again and I knew that things were possibly going to be great after today or devastating.

I felt Charlie's hands on my shoulders and I had a feeling that this was not going to be a good day at all after this appointment.  My husband's hands were too tight.  "What are her results?" I asked, getting to the point.

I nodded slightly at the Healer while he took a deep breath.  "The cancer is strong and the chemotherapy did not work.  I'm sorry," he said to us.  Quinn leaned into her mother while I kept my hands on Desi's shoulders.  

I looked at the Healer and asked, "So what are our options?"  Even though I knew that the chemotherapy was the final one.  It had been so strong that they treated it with the strongest therapy they had... and it did not work.

I could not keep the tears from coming.  Dad was being all logical while my mum wrapped her arms around me while tears rolled silently down my face.  I at least was being quiet so Dad could still talk to the Healer.

I held onto Quinn tightly and tried to listen to what the healer was saying to Charlie.  "We treated it aggressively because it was very severe... we always knew that the outcomes could possibly be like this," he explained sadly.  "And I'm very sorry, but we can do chemotherapy again, but results may be the same.  Quinn might also not go through a second round of the therapy, either."

I nodded slowly as the girls were tearful.  "What do we need to do...?" I asked, unsure of what the next step will be.

The Healer looked at us.  "I think that you need a couple of days before you make any sort of decision," he said to us.  "With knowing that a next round of therapy might not end well... do you want to put Quinn through that?  But, on the other hand, if you don't try to do that, you know what the outcome would definitely be.  Without therapy, Quinn would probably only have a few months... with therapy, well, it varies.  It could fail and you end up in the same situation.  Or it could help her and she goes into remission." 

"But that's a long shot," I finished for the healer, reading between the lines of what the Healer was saying.

I held onto my daughter tightly.  "I think we need to go home and talk this over," I said, gathering my emotions.  I kissed Quinn's head and did not let go of her hand.  I looked back at my husband; his face was unreadable.  But he nodded at me.  He knew that it was the best thing to do:  to get home and comfort our daughter.  Decisions would be made when we were all calmed down.

I could not believe what I was hearing.  I was numb.  I did nto even remember leaving the office and getting to our living room.  I was lost in my own thoughts.  I looked at my parents.  "Some tea?" I suggested, knowing that I was able to eat a little more now.  i had my appetite back.

"Of course," I said, jumping to making the tea straight away.  I knew that my girls enjoyed their tea when they were stressed.  And it would give me a moment to be by myself in the kitchen.  I needed to figure out a way to stay composed for Desdemona and Quinn.

I looked at Quinn.  "Honey, what are you feelng?" I asked, not entirely sure what was going through her head.  She looked frightened, yet determined.  I loved her so much.  I was trying to be strong, but I was sure that there was some fear showing in my eyes.

I shrugged, not entirely sure what I was feeling.  "We knew this could always happen," I said slowly, curling up on the couch a little bit.  "I'm just... shocked.  I had hoped for something different... we all did..."  I almost felt like I was disappointing my parents by not being able to beat this.  How could I say that, though?

I tried to keep myself together because I knew that I would not be able to stop once I let my emotions show.  My girls needed me to be strong.  So with a deep breath, I gathered the things I had prepared for the tea and went into the living room to hear Desi and quinn speaking.

"It'll be okay, though," I said, speaking up before walking into the living room with them.  "we'll figure out a way to handle verything."

I looked over at Charlie and could not believe the strength he was exhibiting -- this was his girl.  His baby girl.  The two of them had always been so close.  This had to be killing him as much as it was killing me.  "Of course we will," I said, trying to help Charlie with the strength, but my voice was still shaky.